reflection

If You Can Hear Me, I Wanted You to Know.

I lost my Uncle,

My uncle died last night and I want him to know how much he meant to me, to everyone. I know he will never get to read this but it doesn’t matter… its the only way I can properly express how much I love him.

Uncle Jeff occupied a special place in my heart. I don’t want to say he was my favorite uncle because I know your not suppose to have favorites… but… we’ll just leave it at that. What I loved most was the fact that he still let me sit in his lap every time I saw him. Actually I think hes the only uncle who’s lap Ive ever sat in. My mom used to say that Uncle Jeff was more like my grandpa than my uncle, I think she was right. He spoiled me beyond belief. Considering my actual grandparents died when I was really young he might have done this purposely, I’ll never know, but Im grateful for it just the same.

I remember when I was going to community college back home, I would always go to Auntie and Uncles in between classes and Uncle Jeff would hang out with me.. During this time he was working on the church kitchen and he would vent his frustrations to me about the project. I have to admit now, most of the time I had no idea what he was talking about. Constructions not really my area of expertise. Anyway, I would smile and nod and throw out my opinion when I knew I wouldn’t sound like an idiot. It didn’t matter what the conversation was about, I just loved hearing him talk. I don’t think I fully realized, until now, how much I really looked up to him but that would explain why I soaked up everything he ever said. I just loved the look in his eyes when he looked at me and told me about his day; I would get all giggly just because he was talking to me and I had his full attention.

I always did little things to try and impress him too. I remember one instance very specifically; there was a family party at auntie and uncles and I had to go late because I was working at the mountain. I remember I packed my very best snow gear that day and made sure I walked in the house advertising my sweet “getup”. (I probably looked really stupid) But my plan worked, Uncle Jeff asked me how the skiing was and I talked his ear off as I proceeded to take off my 12 layer conversation starter. He probably knew what I was up to but he let me bask in my cleverness. I’m going to miss that.

My heart is full regret as I wish I had taken the time to see more of auntie and uncle when I was home on college breaks. I took him for granted, and I never expected him to be gone so soon. Im sorry Uncle Jeff that I let life get in the way. Im sorry that I was selfish, I wish I could have had sat in your lap one more time.

Its hard to come to grips with the fact that in just 3 short months you would have been sitting on a plane on your way to come see me in Florida. You have no idea how excited I was, I had so many surprises in store for you. Theres this restaurant called the melting pot, oh how you would have loved it. Jon and I were going to take you and auntie out special … on a double date. It would have been a great time.

My uncle was a great man. I usually dont find it hard to put words into writing but I just cant seem to find the perfect words to describe my Uncle Jeff. I know there are so many others hurting just as bad and even worse than I can possibly imagine. Attempting to describe our loss would be foolish… you cant put the aches of the heart on paper. You can not unravel a tear drop. And you most certainly can not begin to illustrated the bitter sweet taste of memory.

We love you uncle jeff; everything about you. There is no past tense, and there are no goodbyes. In a little while we will meet again and I’ll try and get your attention in heaven just the same. This time not with snow gear or my clever attempts to understand construction lingo. I’ll just run up and sit in your lap. I’ll listen to you talk and talk and talk and I’ll soak up every word… just like old times.

It will only be a season until we are all together again, and a season isn’t to long. I think I can handle a season. It will never be okay with out you, but I think we will be alright after a little while.

This isnt the end. This isnt farewell. This is, I love you uncle Jeff.

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